


i'll always remember us this way

by darkofthemorning



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: "One last time", ...and some not so good ones, F/M, Far Future, Flashbacks, Friendship, Growing Up Together, Happy, Heartbreak, Ice Skating, Love, Memories, Real Life, Retirement, Self-Reflection, Skating, The Last Skate™, Touring, What Have I Done, good memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 18:25:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17730335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkofthemorning/pseuds/darkofthemorning
Summary: “One last time,” he mouths to her, a sad smile playing at the corner of his lips.She nods slightly, feeling her eyes begin to sting. When the opening lyrics begin a few moments later, she is thankful for the distraction from the tightness in her chest.And they skate.





	i'll always remember us this way

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since I watched "A Star is Born" back in November, I couldn't help but strongly associate Tessa and Scott with this song. And for a few weeks, all I could think about was, "What if this was the last song they ever skated to? It would be perfect." (LYB knows...I've definitely gotten in my feels about this possibility more than once) So of COURSE, I had to write about it. I’ve been working on this for a few weeks now. I give you permission to yell at me in the comments if you feel attacked in some way, though I don't think that this is in any way angsty; I consider it more like a big hug.
> 
> And what better way to celebrate the premiere of the TYCT special then with a fic about VM's last skate?
> 
> It's a long one, so sit back and enjoy.

She assumes her position at center ice, standing tall in a white, flowing dress. Her left foot is crossed behind her right leg, toepick digging into the ice. Scott, in black pants and a white, button-up shirt, mimics her stance as they stare at each other, waiting for the music to commence. Their eyes do not reflect intensity nor fierceness or power, but instead are glazed with softness, with love, with appreciation for the last forty years they’ve spent together.

“One last time,” he mouths to her, a sad smile playing at the corner of his lips.

She nods slightly, feeling her eyes begin to sting. When the opening lyrics begin a few moments later, she is thankful for the distraction from the tightness in her chest.

And they skate.

 

**_That Arizona sky, burning in your eyes_ **

  
When Tessa and Scott first began their own skating tour back in 2018, neither she nor Scott thought that it would receive as much praise and success as it did.

So, they decided to create another one for the next year.

And the next.

And the one after that, for nineteen consecutive years.

It constantly surprises Tessa how long they managed to keep the tour going, remembering when they first came up with the idea after their Olympic win in PyeongChang as though it was yesterday. In the time since its debut, they gained the opportunity to expand and tour across the globe, reaching fans that could only dream about seeing the skaters live. It has been exhausting and exhilarating and electric, but it was beginning to take a toll on them. And after a long, difficult debate, they decided that 2037, their fortieth year together, would be their last.

Not just the last tour they produce, but also the last one they’ll skate in.

At forty-eight and fifty, they didn’t exactly have the same energy they did at their prime, back when they were training every day and staying fit for the Olympics. 

Plus, they were getting old; there was no denying that. And they had families of their own to go back to, something else to focus on now that their skating careers were to be behind them.

But that didn’t mean they wouldn’t skate ever again.

 

**_You look at me and babe, I wanna catch on fire_ **

  
On the last night of their last ever skating tour, it was inevitable that they’d be an emotional mess one it finally sank in that this was it, that this was the last time they’d perform programs they helped choreograph, the last time they’d perform in venues and in front of crowds.

A few weeks ago, they began to talk about something they could do for the fans—and themselves—as a way to thank people around the world for the support they have given two ordinary, small-town kids with wide eyes and dreams bigger than themselves.

So after many nights spent brainstorming, they decided to simply do what they did best: skate. 

When Scott suggested the song, one from  _ A Star is Born _ , Tessa knew immediately that it would be perfect. She couldn’t think of a better way to end it all, a tune to remember them by.

They choreographed it in the days leading up to the final night, during water breaks or lunch, little suggestions and tweaks whispered as they crossed paths during rehearsals or meetings. They only had one run-through of it—on the night they were performing it—but they knew it would be one of the best skates they’ve ever had nonetheless. It was to be the last skate of the night, determined by a unanimous vote amongst the rest of the skaters. Though neither Tessa nor Scott wanted it to be last, instead pushing to perform before the group finale as to not take away from the cast as a whole, they were largely outnumbered in the battle. 

Now, as they skate, chiselling lines into the ice, she can’t help but truly listen to the lyrics for the first time. She switches her body into autopilot and allows her mind to wander.

  
**_It’s buried in my soul, like California gold_ **

  
She thinks that a part of her always had some feelings for Scott.

And likely always will.

When you spend nearly your entire life with one of the nicest guys you could ask for, something like this is inescapable, and Tessa is almost positive Scott feels the same. Essentially the model of a perfect man, it took her thirty-two years to find someone who measured up to him.

But even then, he wasn’t quite Scott.

Tessa never said any of these things aloud, not even to Jordan or her mother. She kept these thoughts buried deep within her, and she planned to keep them there.

She’s the happiest she’s ever been, married to the most wonderful man and blessed with two healthy kids, now twelve and fourteen years old.

A small, dark part of her wishes that she and Scott really did end up together in the end, that maybe at some point things would have worked out and fate would have brought them together, but it never did. 

But despite this, Tessa would never trade a thing for the way things worked out for them.

 

**_You found the light in me that I couldn’t find_ **

  
Even in her darkest days, Scott could make Tessa feel like she was made of nothing but light.

He’s of the only people who can.

She would have points where she would feel worthless and hopeless and like she would never be able to make something of herself. During the times when the pain in her legs was so intense she was positive it was over for her, when she believed that her career as a skater was no longer and she had let down everyone, especially Scott, he would always speak to her and listen to her and help her through it.

Tessa is so thankful for him, and she doesn’t know if she would be where she was now if it weren’t for the fact that he refused to give up on her. He brightened her days and made her feel like she was on top of the world, even when she felt no where close.

Scott was like her own personal motivator, and no one believed in her quite like he did. He would always hype her up before competitions and send her cheesy motivational quotes he found on the internet and cheer for her on the sidelines no matter what she did.

She got used to having him around all the time, and she realizes now that maybe she depended on him too much to reassure her that she mattered.

Perhaps, she wonders, that was why it was so hard when he wasn’t around.

  
**_So when I'm all choked up and I can't find the words_ **

  
Tessa remembers when she first tried to tell him that she missed him, in the months after they officially announced their retirement. Between Scott’s schedule of coaching and travelling, and hers of photoshoots and interviews, they would constantly miss each other; he was occupied on her days off, and vice versa. But finally, the weekend of her 30th birthday, they realized there was exactly one day they were both free for more than one hour. It was different, because they weren’t obligated to be together as they are for interviews or conferences. For those, they would usually only see each other  _ during  _ the actual event before one of them had to rush off to be somewhere else. But this time, it was a genuine effort between two best friends to meet. 

After they ordered, Tessa wanted to tell him that she missed seeing him every day and the way he teased her and rolled his eyes at her attempts at awful jokes, but she couldn’t find the words. Scott was looking at her struggling, concern in his eyes, and she was stumbling over her thoughts as a lump in her throat began to form. 

 

_ “I miss you,” she finally mustered, barely audible over the chatter around them. _

 

_ But he heard her. _

 

_ “I’ve missed you too, T,” he whispered, a small grin on his face. “It’s weird not seeing you every day anymore.” _

 

_ She nodded slowly, becoming much too interested in the peculiar ways she could bend and twist and weave her fingers. _

 

_ “Yeah,” she said, her voice sounding far away. _

 

_ She cleared her throat loudly, quickly changing the subject before the tears could fall. _

  
  


**_Every time we say goodbye, baby, it hurts_ **

  
Even though Tessa knew that she and Scott would always find their way back to each other at some point, she couldn’t help the pang of sadness she felt whenever their rare day together came to an end, when they got into their cars and drove off in opposite directions.

It’s not like they didn’t talk at all during their time apart; they still texted and called to check in with each other, but it just wasn’t the same as when they were together in person.

They usually found time to see each other once or twice a month back then, though Tessa is glad it’s much more often now that they’re older and have less going on in their lives. 

But in the two years after their retirement, it was rough. 

Scott was busy training his ice dance teams for the upcoming Beijing Olympics, travelling for weeks at a time to competitions and workshops and conferences in addition to spending time with his girlfriend. Tessa had been promoting her new clothing line, plus keeping up with her numerous sponsorships and travelling to developing countries to give talks to young girls on the importance of sport, education, and having positive role models. 

The problem was that there was only one time of year where both Tessa and Scott were absolutely certain they would see each other at least once a week, and it was the three months leading up to their annual fall tour when they would plan and choreograph. But the rest of the year, it was like a guessing game.

Tessa remembers crying once, somewhere within these two years of overlapping schedules, when Scott walked her to her car after a late meal at a local pizzeria. 

It was the first time they had seen each other in over six months. 

 

_ “How much longer do we have to keep doing this?” she whispered, standing outside her car. She didn’t dare look him in the eye. It was a vague statement, but he knew exactly what she meant. _

 

_ “I don’t know, Tess.” He brought his hands to his face and held them there for a few moments before dropping them to his sides, becoming fascinated with a pebble on the pavement. _

 

_ There was a long silence before he quietly added, “I hate saying goodbye to you and not knowing if I’ll see you in five days or five months.” _

 

_ She nodded quickly, cursing herself for the water pooling in the corners of her eyes. _

 

_ When she gained the courage to look at him, he was clenching his jaw, and she knew that he was trying to hold back tears too. _

 

_ So, she turned to him and hugged him tightly, and he held her as though if he let go, she would float away and never come back to him. _

  
  


**_When the sun goes down, and the band won't play_ **

  
She likes to think of Sochi as a lesson.

Not a bad lesson, but one that simply assists in your growth.

The feeling Tessa felt going to Russia was significantly different from the one she felt going to Vancouver. Something was off, a sense of uneasiness brewing within the pit of her torso, and she wasn’t sure what it meant. She didn’t like the feeling, as it tainted what should have been an incredible experience; it was her second Olympics after all. But as much as she tried to rid the feeling, it wouldn’t budge.

She loved the Short Dance they had that season, a fun program with costumes she adored. No matter what, she always looked forward to skating it. 

The Free Dance, not so much. It just wasn’t  _ them _ , not their style, but they didn’t have as much say in the process as they usually did. This season, her coaches just weren’t all  _ there _ , not for them. They were always more focused on something else, and it negatively affected the pair.

Tessa and Scott gave it their all despite this, and attempted to present their phenomenal talent to judges and spectators at every competition they skated at. 

Sochi was no different, and she was fairly satisfied with the way they skated both programs. Of course, she and Scott would pick it apart some time later and find every minor mistake that they had made. They were perfectionists, after all.

Even though she was happy with the skates, and thought that there was absolutely no way they could have done better, a feeling within her that told her that it wouldn’t be enough for gold as they sat in the kiss and cry.

And she was right.

There was a sense of disappointment within her, and she was sure Scott felt it too. Yet she still smiled big in front of the cameras after their score and podium placement was announced, and she hugged her coaches and Scott as though silver was everything they had ever wanted.

But behind that smile, all she could think was how she let down Canada.

 

**_I'll always remember us this way_ **

 

When they first began to drift apart after their silver-medal win at the Sochi Winter Olympics in Russia, Tessa thought that maybe she was losing him for good.

She wasn’t sure what did it; maybe it was simply the fact that without competitive skating, there really was no reason for her and Scott to be together every single day. Their lives were so different, and when you don’t see someone every day, such a disconnection is unavoidable.

But despite her gloomy thoughts, the weight of the possibility of losing all you had ever known threatening to consume her, there was a part of Tessa that realized she just couldn’t like without Scott. He was the force that kept her going, and without him, she realized, life was difficult.

So one night, after months and months of touch-and-go, too heavily immersed in their own respective lives and interests and commitments, she decided she had had enough.

She missed competing.

She missed Scott.

Funnily enough, it seemed as though he had the same idea when he had called her just as she was searching for his number her extensive list of contacts.

They always have been in sync, after all.

  
_ “T, I miss it. All of it. But I mostly miss you.” _

 

_ “I miss you too, Scott. I really do. Honestly...I think I want to compete again.” _

 

_ “Me too.” There was a hint of eagerness and excitement in his voice. _

 

_ “But I don’t want to jump back in right away.” Tessa was never one to take a leap of faith. She liked to be sure of things, examining from every possible angle until she was satisfied. “I think I want to think about it a little more. Not that I don’t want to do it but I just...you know.” _

 

_ There was silence on the other end, which instilled a sense of worry within her. But then, that familiar voice rang in her ears once again, so calm that it gave her goosebumps: _

 

_ “I know. Whatever you need, Tess. But let’s do it together now, okay?” _

 

_ She smiled, her heart doing backflips in her chest. It was a new, strange feeling that began a few months back, something new that she had never quite felt before when talking to her best friend. Maybe it was the change in him, this newfound softness he possessed when he spoke to her that he never quite had before; he used to be a little impatient when she said she needed time to reflect on things. Or maybe it was the calm in his voice, wrapping her like her grandmother’s quilt on a cold, winter day. Or maybe, it was something else. _

 

_ All she hoped was that felt it too. _

 

_ “Okay,” was all she could manage to get out, barely above a whisper. _

 

_ “Okay,” he softly replied. _

 

_ “What about…” she trailed off, unsure if she should continue. _

 

_ “What about what? You can tell me anything. You know that.” _

 

_ “No, it’s ridiculous. Never mind, seriously.” _

 

_ “Tessa.” She hated when he became stern with her because it made it impossible for her to act against him; she had no strength to hold anything back. _

 

_ “Okay well, what do you say we…take a trip? Together, I mean. Just us. No work involved. Just for fun. To figure this all out.” _

 

_ And by  _ this _ , she meant much more than simply returning to competitive skating. _

 

_ “Okay.” _

 

_ “Really?” _

 

_ “Yes. Anything for you, T.” _

 

_ Her heart soared, and she had to cover her mouth with her free hand to prevent a squeal from escaping her mouth. Had he always been this nice to her? _

 

_ “Maybe we can meet for breakfast tomorrow morning to plan?” She bit her lip, confused on why the hell she was so nervous talking to a man she’s spent three quarters of her life with.  _

 

_ Something really has changed. _

 

_ “Only if we go to that pancake place you know I love.” His voice switched into a joking tone, laughter laced in his words, and she couldn’t help but giggle. If there’s one thing about Scott, it’s that he can go from sappy to child-like within seconds. _

 

_ “Fine. Goodnight, Scott.” _

 

_ “Goodnight, Tess.” _

  
Where she once would have cursed him for calling her so late, she almost wished she didn’t end the conversation there, that she continued to talk to him all night until the sun began to rise and shine its way through her bedroom curtains.

She liked the sound of his voice at 2:00 AM, laced with fatigue. She couldn’t describe how it made her feel, but she knew that it was far from unpleasant.

 

**_Lovers in the night, poets tryna write_ **  
  


Tessa and Scott are storytellers.

They do not write with pens to paper, hurried strokes of ink scrawled across white pages and occasional scratches to indicate a change of mind.

Instead, they write with their blades on the ice, making lines that twist and turn and converge and separate as they tell their tales.

Since they were young, the main emotion they were always trying to convey through their skating was love. It was difficult at first, as pre-teens who were half-disgusted with each other and half considering the other more like a sibling than a lover, but they managed to get through it convincingly. As they grew up, however, it became much easier; the feeling simply wasn’t fake anymore. However, the love they had for each other wasn’t quite as intense as the interviewers would make it out to be, asking them if they were romantically involved every chance they got since the pair were teenagers. The questions only came at them faster as the spotlight shone brighter and brighter on them, especially after the Vancouver Olympics.

Of course they loved each other, hell, they still do. But it’s a love that was indescribable, even higher than a romantic love, per se, one they don’t exactly understand themselves. Neither Tessa nor Scott could ever explain their relationship, not once in their forty years together, so the world compensated with their own labels for the lack thereof.

It was difficult at first, knowing the entire world believes you’re a couple when that was far from the case. Eventually, they became desensitized to it, at some point in their mid 20s, when the questions no longer made them jump or fidget with discomfort. They instead used the opportunity to explain what their partnership  _ really _ was: hard work, respect, and dedication.

Of course people would think they are together, that what’s portrayed on the ice is real. The main point of the majority of Tessa and Scott’s programs was to make people not only see but  _ feel _ the love, and if they did, that means they did a damn good job. But many people had their doubts that it was simply acting. Their chemistry was simply  _ too strong  _ for there not to be any romantic feelings at all. It was impossible to have such a dynamic and be “just friends.” Did you see the way he  _ looks at her? _

It truly was acting for the longest time, and they really did mean it when they said they didn’t feel that way about each other.

But there was one point where it was all different.

 

**_We don’t know how to rhyme but damn, we try_ **  
  


After a trip to China, Tessa and Scott decided to make their return to competitive skating for the 2016-2017 season, their sights set on the 2018 Olympics in PyeongChang.

But things were a little different since the last time they prepared for an Olympics.

They didn’t quite know exactly how to talk about these newly budding feelings they had for each other, so instead they confessed through their favourite medium: skating.

It came in the form of their Free Dance for the season.

This program of theirs was one of Tessa’s all-time favourites, for not only its simplicity but for the feelings and intent behind it; for the first time, the love and story portrayed was completely real.

It captured all of the time between Sochi and now: their time apart, Scott’s difficulties adjusting to retirement, their disagreements and how they always seemed to be on different pages, all reflected in frantic and asynchronous movements. But about halfway through the program, as the music changes from beautiful chaos to comfort and soft vocals, suddenly they begin to skate as one rather than two separate units. They lift each other up, hold each other close, and show love, unity, and support as opposed to separate visions.

That’s exactly how it was, not a drop of exaggeration.

Tessa can’t remember how many times she tried to tell Scott she loved him; not as friends, which is how those three words have always been spoken, but more than such. It was strange that she couldn’t just tell him how she felt, given all the counseling that emphasized the importance of telling each other everything, including feelings. But for some reason, this was incredibly different. 

So, she hoped that Scott got the message when they skated, during those four minutes when she was most vulnerable, when her guard was down and her soul bared for all to see. 

And about halfway through the season, he did.

It was during one of their routine coffee runs after a long, early morning Skate Canada practice session that he told her he loved her.

_ Really _ loved her.  
  


_ They sat at a small table in the back corner of the Starbucks just down the street from the rink, Tessa sipping a Venti flat white while Scott slurped a fruit smoothie. It was fairly quiet, which was unusual considering how busy the coffee shop usually was. _

 

_ Tessa was exhausted, and she knew she looked the part. With her elbow on the table, she rested her chin in her palm to hold her heavy head up, wanting nothing more than to go back to her apartment and sleep. She was dressed head to toe in an oversized Adidas tracksuit, hair in a messy bun atop her head and eyes adorned with dark circles. She was always jealous of Scott, who somehow still looked incredibly well-rested no matter how tired he may be. He was practically glowing and was dressed so much nicer than she was.  _

 

_ Her eyelids were heavy, threatening to close and pull her into a deep sleep, and she was having trouble keeping them open. With the stress of the comeback, she hadn’t been getting much sleep; no rest mixed with intense training was not sitting too well with her. It was when she finally gave in and closed her eyes, chin slipping out of her hand to connect loudly with the table that Tessa now found herself wide awake. She sat back up straight, frantically looking around to see if anyone had noticed, before her eyes came back to meet Scott’s.  _

 

_ Scott normally would have laughed at her and teased her the rest of the day for that mishap, and probably bring it up every day for the rest of her life, but now, she found him looking at her with a much different look in his eyes. _

 

_ “What?” she asked, eyes widening. Her voice sounded gravelly from the fatigue. _

 

_ He quickly averted his eyes away from her, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth as he shook his head. _

 

_ “No, seriously. Why were you looking at me like that?” she reiterated, laughing nervously.  _

 

_ He looked up at her for a split second before shifting his gaze, becoming very interested in a large chip in the table as he traced the outline of the missing material with his finger.  _

 

_ She was certain she knew the answer to her own question, but that didn’t stop her heart from picking up speed in the silence. _

 

_ Scott took a deep breath, not daring to look her in the eye as he whispered. “Tessa Jane, I think I’m in love with you.” _

 

_ Tessa didn’t say anything at first. She didn’t know  _ what _ to say. But when she saw Scott’s expression drop with worry, his eyes shooting up to meet hers, she smiled with reassurance. _

_ “Looking like this?” she laughed, a booming belly laugh that engulfed the room like a hug. “Like a hot mess? Even when I smash my face off the table?” _

 

_ It was his turn to laugh as he took her hand in his. She never really noticed how small her hands were compared to his. “Tess, I’ve always loved you. I love you when you skate, when you fall on your ass, when you’re in your pretty costumes and hair and makeup done or in sweatpants watching Jeopardy with me while you eat a tub of Ben & Jerry’s even though you know you’re not supposed to while we’re training, when you speak intelligently and enunciate all your words or when you’re stumbling trying to explain a joke that literally  _ no one  _ understands.” _

 

_ She giggled at his last remark, looking up to meet his eyes. She smiled softly, and he returned it. “Well, Scott Moir, it’s your lucky day; I might be in love with you too.” _

 

And that was the pivot point in their relationship. 

It was nice at first, finally being able to treat Scott as a lover instead of simply a friend. They kept it a secret, especially from the press, although they weren’t that great at it; many people suspected things, but neither Tessa nor Scott was willing to admit anything. They didn’t want their relationship to be scrutinized by the public eye more than it already was. Just like the comeback, they were doing this solely for themselves, and no one else.

But within a few weeks of this new romance, Tessa began to notice how different her dynamic with Scott became, and not always for the better. 

Scott saw it too.

When they skated, the emotion they portrayed was so much more genuine than it’s ever been, and it didn’t go unnoticed, especially with their Free Dance. Tessa felt more connected to Scott than ever, and she felt that the way they skated this season was the best they have in a while. 

On the other hand, they became much more careful about how they spoke to each other, limiting critiques and pumping out compliment after compliment instead as though their egos were suddenly too fragile to handle criticism. Tessa became jealous fairly easily, and Scott was agitated at the fact that they couldn’t act like lovers in public, which lead to some fights at whoever’s apartment they went back to that night. It was as though they became  _ more  _ dependent on each other, to the point where it was only hurting them in the end.

So a few weeks after their incredible competitive season came to an end, Tessa and Scott had a long talk about their relationship over dinner. 

What happened between them? Why were things so different now? Shouldn’t it be exactly the way it’s always been?

They came to a mutual agreement that maybe they were just better off as friends, and friends is what they heartbreakingly became once again that night. A part of Tessa was hurt that it wasn’t working out between them, especially when nearly half the planet wanted them to be together. She felt as though she was letting the fans down, crushing their fantasies of what they thought would be the perfect couple due to the obvious chemistry she shared with Scott, even more so lately. But, she had to convince herself that there was no point in trying to force a romance that simply wasn’t meant to be, as much as it appeared to be. Maybe they really just were never meant to be in love. Maybe, the stars only had friendship written in them.

So although some of those feelings never completely went away for either of them, they would never attempt a romantic relationship again.

 

**_All I really know, you're where I wanna go_ **

 

For Tessa, Scott was always like her second home, both literally and metaphorically.

Since the beginning of their partnership, the Moir household has always welcomed her with open arms, no matter what time of day or night or what day of the week she found herself on their doorstep.

When Tessa would get into fights with her parents or one of her siblings, she would usually make her way there, often by bus until she got her license and would proceed to “borrow” one of the vehicles parked in the driveway in order to make the ten-minute drive there.

But even when she didn’t need a place to hideaway, Tessa always felt drawn to the home.

More specifically to Scott.

She loved to visit Alma and Joe and all the Moir boys, chatting with them about school and exciting things happening in her life or the lack thereof, and anything else they didn’t get to hear about during the hours at the rink.

And after the conversation died down, her and Scott would survey the weather outside and decide if it was appropriate enough to go for a walk or if they would have to resort to the basement couches.

Tessa enjoyed it most when they would walk around the town together. She loved being outside and seeing all the familiar scenes of the place she grew up. They didn’t talk much, but they didn’t need to. The fact that he was simply there beside her was enough, and there were no words that could make her feel any better than his company did.

Maybe it was this pull to him, this force that made Scott one of the only people she wanted to go to, that made their partnership work. Tessa knows there have been times where the last person in the world she wanted to see was Scott, but even in the turbulence, that pull was still there.

 

**_The part of me that's you will never die_ **

 

Tessa compares having Scott in her life to learning a skill at a young age. When you practice it a lot and incorporate it into your life, it never really goes away.

That’s kind of like him.

Scott has been in her life for so long that he is essentially part of her now, and there’s absolutely no way she could change that. Much like the way her feet have always known how to dance, and her hands have known how to write, Tessa’s heart has always known Scott. She thinks that their counselling more than likely has something to do with it, given they were forced to let each other in for the longest time until it became second nature.

Even during the times where they didn’t speak, whether it be after her first surgery or after Sochi or for a brief time after their retirement, Scott was still as much a part of her as her fingers or her legs. Tessa couldn’t shake him from her no matter how hard she tried, and she’d be lying if she said she’s never tried before. He left a permanent mark on her, stamped his name on her soul, and even if he decided to leave tomorrow and never look back to where she stood and watched him go, she knows that part of her that holds him close will never, ever die.

But she knows he would never leave her.

And she would never leave him.

 

**_So when I'm all choked up and I can't find the words_ **  
  


She remembers back in the winter of 2021, when Scott told her one weekend while they walked around the mall Christmas shopping that he was planning to propose to his girlfriend.

Tessa was so happy for him that she dropped all of her bags and hugged him more tightly than she ever had, and they both cried and swayed in circles in the middle of the mall as though she was the one he proposed to. She doesn’t know exactly how long they stayed that way for, but she thinks that those moments were some of the best in her life.

Scott asked her to make one of the main toasts at his wedding, and all she could do in response was bob her head in agreement, tears still in her eyes. 

He said there was no one else he would ever ask to do it. 

She tried to speak, but the only thing that escaped her mouth were fragments of words and squeaks. Tessa felt a little silly, seeing as Scott had collected himself so long ago.

 

_ “Virtch,” he began as he used his thumb to wipe the water still flowing from her eyes. “Please stop before I start crying again. Seriously, geez, and I thought I was emotional.” _

 

_ She punched him in the arm and laughed. “Fuck off,” were the only words she managed to get out, her voice laced with the remains of a sob.  _  
  


 

**_Every time we say goodbye, baby, it hurts_ **  
  


Tessa can count on one hand how many times her and Scott had gone more than a few weeks without talking. Each time felt like a stab to her heart, but there was only one instance where it felt more like her limbs were slowly being ripped from her body. Usually, this only happened when one of them went away or if they got into a rare blowout, only speaking on the ice when absolutely necessary. 

But there was one time that it wasn’t that simple. 

It was after her first surgery, in 2008, when things became somewhat tense between the two of them. It was strange; the longest they had ever gone without talking was only a couple of weeks when Scott’s family had gone on vacation a few years prior. 

This time, it was more like a couple of months.

Even to this day, Tessa isn’t quite sure exactly  _ why _ they didn’t speak, why both her and Scott were just too stubborn to check up on the other first. The first time they saw each other was when Tessa returned to the rink for her first practice two months after the surgery. She was so angry that she only interacted with him when necessary during their time on the ice, from the time she quietly entered the rink to the time she skated off of it, soundlessly unlacing her skates and going home. She knows now that she should have just talked to Scott her first day back, but as a nineteen year old, all she wanted was to be the one who was right. 

The silence lasted a couple weeks before Tessa finally caved in one morning after an early practice as they sat side-by-side in one of the change rooms unlacing their skates. Usually, they sat far apart to allow enough room for the tension between them to get comfortable. But when Scott sat beside her that day, it set off something within her that made it impossible for her to keep quiet any longer.  
  


_ She stopped unlacing her skates, slowly sitting up pin-straight and directing her fiery-green gaze at him, her body burning head-to-toe with anger. She held her hands in tight fists on her lap. _

 

_ He didn’t notice at first.  _

 

_ But eventually, when he saw that her hands were no longer moving alongside his, he stopped his movements too. He sat up straighter on the bench, but it was as though a heavy weight was his back, contorting him into an awkward slump. _

 

_ She turned her attention straight ahead, focusing on an equipment bag on the bench across from her to try to calm herself down. “You weren’t there,” she whispered, even though every part of her body screamed. _

 

_ “Tessa-” _

 

_ “You weren’t there. You never called. Why?” She twisted her body to face him.  _

 

_ “I don’t...I don’t know.” His voice cracked. He had his hands clasped in his lap and his head hung low. _

 

_ “Okay.” She nodded her head, her eyes stinging as they began to pump tears down her face. _

 

_ “Look-” _

 

_ “No,  _ you _ look,” her voice was loud and harsh, and she saw him flinch. She didn’t care. “I don’t think you understand how much it hurt when I realized that when you said ‘Goodbye’ to me on the phone the day before my surgery, you really meant it. When I came out of the OR and my best friend was nowhere to be found. And he was nowhere to be found the day after that, or the one after that. Why didn’t you call?” The tears were flowing heavily, blurring her vision. _

 

_ He didn’t respond. _

 

_ “Why. Didn’t. You. Call?” _

 

_ “Okay, listen,” he sneered, his voice sharp like a knife. “I know it wasn’t easy for you, but it wasn’t easy for me either.” _

 

_ “Oh really? Okay, sorry, my bad. I didn’t realize you were the one getting your fucking legs cut open a couple of months ago. No, wait a minute, that was  _ me _.” She was shouting now, and she was sure that the entire rink could hear her completely losing it.  _

 

_ “Maybe I was waiting for you to call  _ me _ , to tell me that you would be okay and weren’t going to leave me. Do you not think I was worried I was going to lose you?” _

 

_ She scoffed. “So you were only thinking of yourself. How me potentially not being okay would affect you. Nice.” She wiped the wetness from her face, angrily returning to her skates and working at them to get them off of her feet and leave that room as fast as possible. _

 

_ The silence in the room was suffocating. _

 

_ “I didn’t skate with anyone else,” he said quietly after what felt like years of quiet. _

 

_ She wishes she didn’t hear him, but she did. Her heart sank a little. _

 

_ “I didn’t skate with anyone else because I’m committed to you and only you. You know what I did those two months? I skated with sandbags.  _ Sandbags _ , Tess. Marina was trying to get me to skate with a new partner, but I didn’t want to. I just wanted to skate with you.” _

 

_ She froze. _

 

_ “I didn’t call you because I thought that it would make you sad that I was fine and you weren’t. Like I was rubbing it in your face somehow. Like, ‘Look, I’m perfectly fine but you just had to have surgery because you legs don’t work like mine.’ I swear, you have no idea how much it hurt me not to talk to you. I missed you so much, but I didn’t know how to tell you. It was a dick move, but I thought I would only make things worse. I usually do, right? You know that better than anyone.” He let out a sad laugh, wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his sweater.  _

 

_ “Scott-” _

 

_ “No, it’s true. I’m sorry. I should have come. I should have called. You have every right to be mad. I deserve it. I’m a jerk. I’m sorry, T.” For the first time all morning, Scott locked eyes with her, his eyes glassy. He gave her an apologetic smile and nodded his head, before getting up, collecting his things, and heading for the door. _

 

_ But before he could get far, Tessa sprang to her feet, engulfing him in a hug. He held her tightly, nestling his face into the space between her shoulder and jaw.  _

 

_ They stayed like that for a while, crying and holding each other as though if they let go, they would never see each other again. _

 

**_When the sun goes down, and the band won't play_ **  
  


You wouldn’t know it if you saw her, but throughout her entire time at the Vancouver Olympics in 2010, Tessa was in pain.

She remembers how in the days leading up to the games, she would skate the programs repeatedly in her mind and barely ate or slept. Her mother constantly asked her if she was absolutely sure she wanted to compete.

The pain in her shins was so bad that when she and Scott would meet up for run-throughs on the ice, she was only able to skate for about a minute before the fire consumed her and she could no longer take it. And they would have to stop.

Scott was always concerned, asking if she was okay or if she needed to stop and would sit with her and rub her back as she waited for her powers to regenerate. She was so thankful for him, despite their recent head-butting. Underneath that cool-boy attitude, he truly cared about her. And she reciprocated that feeling.

So, after the fire died down, Scott would stand up, take her by the hand, and help her back up. They would skate another minute of the program, and the cycle would begin once more.

Scott deserved to be here. She didn’t.

Tessa felt like a complete failure, like she somehow scammed her way to the Games. There were so many other athletes who were more deserving than her, who could skate more gracefully and pain-free.

So when her mother asked her that question, she said she was fine because after all, if she scammed her way here, then she better damn well act as though she deserved it. 

The night before the Free Dance, Tessa remembers standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom, watching herself slowly self-destruct. 

She skated the compulsory and original programs fairly well, and she was very proud of the way it all turned out. But, skating so long without stopping really took a toll on her. Now, instead of being able to skate for a minute without pain, it was reduced down to about ten seconds.

If she could barely get through ten seconds of skating, how the  _ fuck _ was she supposed to get through four minutes?

She cried on the bathroom floor for ages, her tears blurring her vision as she pulled out her phone to text the only person she knew could comfort her at a time like this. 

And, without a doubt, there was a knock at the door minutes later. Tessa had barely opened it when Scott burst through, immediately pulling her into his arms as she cried.

He held her there, in the entrance, for so long. She doesn’t know how long they stayed there for, her sobbing into his shirt and him whispering reassuringly to her that everything was going to be alright, that they were going to do great.

And even if they didn’t, he would still love her.

But little did they know, things were going to get much better for them in their futures.

 

**_I'll always remember us this way_ **

 

When Tessa had her first child, Scott dragged his wife to the hospital to meet newest Virtue.

The couple had arrived twenty minutes after Tessa sent Scott a photo of her holding the small bundle in her arms, taken by her husband. He definitely dove over the speed limit the whole way to the hospital, considering that he actually lived half an hour away, and his wife likely yelled at him to slow down before they crashed and they  _ really _ wouldn’t see the baby. 

Both Tessa and Scott believed that anything that happened to one of them also happened to the other, whether it be an achievement, a heartbreak, or a loss. She likes to think of them as being a single soul in separate bodies, their lives intricately intertwined their differences.

Tessa and her husband laughed when Scott ran into the room like an excited puppy runs to the door when it hears a knock or bell. His wife followed behind him moments later, smiling and shaking her head.

Scott always loved babies. Tessa would laugh when he would go out of his way to skate past someone holding a baby in the stands or stare at babies in stores or ask strangers if he could hold their babies, though that last one never went over too well for him. She liked kids too, but never quite like he did. She was surprised when Scott told her that he and his wife were going to wait a little while before having kids, focusing on getting settled first, and leaving room for some travelling together. So it felt strange having a child before him, as she always thought he would be first.

Tessa always thought it was funny that they both got married at the same age: thirty-four. That brought a whole new level to their synchronization. 

When she handed Scott the baby, his facial features immediately softened, staring at the child with such pure live and adoration that her heart almost burst; it was as though Scott was in his own little world.

After many moments, Scott turned to Tessa’s husband slowly. “Hey, man, wanna get a photo of me and baby Virtch?”

Everyone laughed, and her husband obliged as he turned to a beaming Scott who angled the baby towards the camera. The two men get along just like brothers, and Tessa was glad; she doesn’t know what she would have done if they  _ didn’t _ get along.

Similarly, Tessa absolutely adored Scott’s wife; she considered her a sister. Tessa loved spending time with her, and genuinely believed Scott had hit the jackpot. One of the things she loved best about his wife was the fact that she understood the complexity of her and Scott’s friendship and never tried to interfere with it. She was also just genuinely kind, and Tessa wishes Scott had found her sooner.

The woman later told Tessa, once it was just the two of them and the baby in the room, that she was pregnant and was planning to surprise Scott at some point later in the week. The duo celebrated quietly, and Tessa didn’t think that the day could possibly get any better. She could perfectly picture Scott’s reaction, him bouncing off the walls and calling her immediately afterwards, and her pretending though it was the first time she was hearing of it.

When her phone vibrated later that night with an Instagram notification, Tessa laughed when she opened the app to see the photo of Scott and her baby, accompanied with a caption that was so distinctly Scott:

 

_ “Hey, baby Virtch! It’s your Uncle Scott here. This world has so much in store for you, and I can’t wait to see where life takes you.  _

_ “You did great, T! _

_ “P.S. - No matter what your dad tells you, I’m 100x cooler than him.” _  
  


**_I don't wanna be just a memory, baby_ **

 

One of Tessa’s worst fears back when she and Scott first announced their retirement back in 2019, a year to the day of their Olympic gold medal win in PyeongChang, was growing apart from him. They have always been such different people, and without that common ground of skating, she thought that they would begin to drift away from each other. Even with years of therapy and counselling, it seemed inevitable to her. They would still be close, she would reassure herself, just maybe not quite like they were when they would spend nearly twenty hours of every single waking day together. It’s just what happens when you don’t see someone as much. 

He had a serious girlfriend and wanted to travel, she multiple collaborations and projects she loved. They still spoke, but it was strange not having him by her side as much as he was just months ago. Tessa often entertained the idea that maybe one day, she would look at him and no longer be able to read his soul, know every thought passing through his mind, nor every word he wanted to say as they sat at the tip of his tongue.

She would only be able to know what was on the outside, what he allowed her to see.

And their once-deep connection would be simple a memory, a thing of the past.

But luckily, it never came to that.

 

**_So when I'm all choked up and I can't find the words_ **

 

Now, in this moment, as she watches Scott twizzle and glide beside her, Tessa notes just how proud she is of him.

She’s beyond proud, in fact, and she doesn’t quite have the words to articulate it. She compared this moment to when she and Scott were standing on the podium at PyeongChang during the flower ceremony after the individual event, the tears in her eyes completely selfless; they were all for him, all for his accomplishments, how far he’s come, all his hard work.

Tessa can’t believe she’s skated with him for forty years already. It’s such a long time, longer than so many marriages even, and people always ask her how on earth she was able to put up with him for so long. But for her, it all went by in the blink of an eye. They’ve had their ups and downs, their laughter and their arguments, their months spent together and their months spent apart, but she knows in her soul that there is no one else she would have wanted to spend those forty years with.

He was there for her, she for him, and they brought balance to each other’s lives. Tessa has no idea where she would be without him, and she isn’t sure if it’s something she wants to think about.

After all, the stars essentially aligned for them, for their partnership, for their friendship.

Obviously, it was meant to be.

 

**_Every time we say goodbye, baby, it hurts_ **  
  


She knows that after this tour is over and they leave for the night, they’ll have to say goodbye once again.

Scott said that he was planning on going on a backpacking trip to Europe with his wife for a month, and Tessa knows that the week he is set to return back to Ontario, she’ll be going to the Caribbean with her husband for their thirteenth anniversary.

For the next little while, they’ll be just missing each other, much like they were eighteen years ago.

But this time, it doesn’t hurt her as much. This time, she knows better, knows that they’ll come back to each other much like the way they skate now, each of them initially on opposite sides of the rink performing drastically different movements before twisting and turning their way back to the centre where they meet, and she jumps into his arms.

And he catches her.

Tessa knows that as different as their lives might be, as different as they’ve always been, there has still been a consistent common denominator between the two of them:

Each other.

 

**_When the sun goes down, and the band won't play_ **

 

Sometimes she questions herself, questions what will happen after this night, when the sun sets on their skating career and fails to rise once more.

What happens when the music stops?

What happens once they leave the venue, saying their goodnights to each other?

Will they still make time to skate together?

But Tessa knows she’s just being ridiculous. She’s always been one to over-analyze and ask pointless questions, especially when it involves a rather difficult change. Though she’s learned to embrace it, it still takes her so long to adjust. It’ll be strange not to skate like this anymore, she thinks, but she believes that it will just leave room for bigger and better things.

And she knows that even though they won’t skate again quite like they do now, her and Scott’s connection will last long past those final notes of the song.

 

**_I'll always remember us this way_ **

 

They wanted to add one of their most iconic lifts into this program: the Goose. They thought it would only make sense, after all, since it’s not only one of their favourite lifts but the favourite of people around the world too.

Tessa remembers when she first learned the lift as a teen, how wobbly they were, and she was nervous that she would cut Scott’s thigh or fall right off and he was worried that he would topple forward or lose momentum. It was rocky the first time they used it in a program for competition, and she gripped his hand for dear life for the fear that she would fall over.

But now, they enter the lift with ease.

She figures that thirty years of practice will help with that, but Tessa can’t help but consider how far they’ve come since seven and nine years old. 

As Tessa straightens her back, her knee resting on his back, arms in the air, she feels as though everything is going in slow motion. She laughs, the wind from their speed blowing her loosely curled hair across her face. She wishes she could take a snapshot of this moment, her face glowing with happiness and Scott craning his neck back to look at her.

When she steps down, Scott swings himself in front of her, smiling wide.

 

**_When you look at me, and the whole world fades_ **

 

She loves when they skate, because it’s like they’re the only people on the planet. When they skate, it’s just him and her and the soft strokes of blades on the ice, leaving marks of memory. They could be skating in front of one person, or sold-out arenas, or millions of people watching on television at home, but as soon as the music starts, none of that matters.

It’s just him.

And it’s just her.

They begin to mould themselves into the ending pose, the same one from their  _ Mahler _ Free Dance back in 2010. When they were choreographing the program, they thought it would be fitting to end the skate with a pose from the program for which they owed the launch of their fame. It was as though they had come full-circle, now at the end of their skating careers.

As their hands intertwine high above their heads and slowly make their way down to rest over her heart, Tessa doesn’t know if the crowd is cheering, if they’re standing up clapping wildly or rioting or just sitting there quietly or what they’re doing. It’s all simply a muted backtrack to the way Scott looks at her now, his eyes glassy.

Before she is even fully on her feet, Scott immediately lifts her up into a tight hug, spinning her around. He’s crying into her arm and she’s sobbing on his shoulder, and when he puts her down she doesn’t let go right away.

Tessa looks over at Scott, standing triumphantly, a huge grin on his face despite the water in his eyes.

 

**_I'll always remember us this way_ **

 

Only when she comes back to reality does Tessa realize how ecstatic the energy in the room is, wiping tears from her eyes as the arena chants their names. He looks at her then, taking each of her tiny hands in his as they laugh and cry and listen to the shouts of the audience.

They stay this way for a while, looking at each other, hand in hand, only letting go to wipe their tear-streaked faces.

And after this moment, after he lets go of her hands, after they finally glide off the rink, after they remove their skates and everyone goes home and grows old and begins to forget their names, she’ll always remember them as they are right now.


End file.
